What Is Self-Love And How to Obtain It?

Our USSR moms raised us with the idea that when we grow up, we turn into males’ victims and thus become happy. Strange how we never asked moms how happy they are while existing as victims. Yet, let’s not blame moms —they are just ordinary women, who gave birth to their children. How could they teach their kids anything about self-love without loving themselves first? Let’s try and figure out where the thin line between true self-love and egoism is, or worse, egocentricity.

Let’s start off easy and define the difference between egoism and egocentricity. An egoist is a person who constantly demands attention as well as public approval and admiration. As a rule, this person’s self-esteem is low, that’s why it’s necessary for this egoist to feel supported in order to get rid of any self-doubts. This, of course, is primarily an indication of inferiority and self-unfulfillment. Self-fulfilled and confident person does not require a lot of attention, moreover, he is so fulfilled with himself (i.e. in a good way) that he is willing to share this wonderful feeling with the rest of the world. This individual is never dependent on the approval and admiration of others. Furthermore, excessive attention from others can cause him a sense of unease. Egocentric individual is like a drug addict, who feeds off other people’s energy due to lacking his own. Heightened egoism can be the result of a childhood trauma (seeing a therapist might be beneficial), as well as the notorious pampering of parents, who failed to formulate the actual values for their kid.

At times, egoism is a child’s protest against his parents and their views on how to raise their offspring. Many aspects get established at home, and this is exactly the place where you can raise an individual, who would be
self-confident and so whole that his only natural yearning would be to share this wholeness with the world. With this would come kindness, and with the latter would come love. It is difficult to discourage a holistic person, and he would not even react to any of his friends’ teasing, because he exists on a completely different level of development. A person filled with self-love can always stand up for himself and would never give an opportunity to others to offend him, for his love would defeat even the ill-wishers. For them, this battle would be unequal, since their swords would become powerless, for the person who loves himself flies way higher than where they stand at.

This all sounds too lyrical, you would say, where is the didactic material though? We want to love ourselves, what to do then? Where is the textbook from which we can learn? Let’s begin…

Start with positive thinking, however, avoid perfectionism. Striving for perfectionism is another unhealthy form of egoism. Doing something perfectly, better than anyone else… What for??? Unless you’re dancing on a pole, then everything is clear here.

Find your strongest traits and develop them.
Try not to blame yourself for any past actions — not everything that happened is your fault.

Avoid people, who constantly point out your weaknesses. We all have them, including those who point them out. Be above such people, part with them. Communicate and stay friends with those who make you better — to put it simply, with the person who causes the manifestation of your best features —and you would be able to transform all your actions only in a positive way. It may not always be easy, but the result is tangible.

Stop making yourself a victim with your man, children, and parents. With a man, quit being a person defining his realm of service. You are not a maid, a cook, or a teacher. You are a woman, a person, who loves to receive pleasure and knows how to do so, either with a man or without. For your man, you must become the universe rather than a biological robot, a vacuum, or a washing machine. You don’t have to play with your kids, if you’re not interested. You don’t have to take care of your parents, if it is difficult for you, and you’re merely doing it out of a sense of duty. Every therapist would tell you that you don’t owe your parents anything. It was their choice to have you, they knew what they were going for, therefore, expect the same from your children in the future. Raise them and let them go, love them from a distance, don’t continue loving yourself. If you truly love yourself, you wouldn’t feel any self-pity.

Surround yourself with similar people. Look for them, for those like you, who are filled with freedom and self-love.

A man/husband shouldn’t make you happy. It is great if it turns out that way. But primarily, you should be the one who makes you happy. This internal sense of happiness is exactly what self-love is.

If the definition of love is the emotional necessity to be with a person, then self-love is the necessity to be in touch with yourself and be content with it, that’s why people who love themselves find it much easier to love others.
I always say that in order to understand how much you love yourself, try looking at one’s own self, like at a stranger whom you just met. Did you like this stranger? Would you want to live with yourself, be friends with him/her?No??? Then this is the answer. Try to become the one with whom you would be comfortable. Work on your weaknesses, eradicate them, and cultivate your strengths.

© Masha Lopatova