How I Stayed in America (Part 1)

“…I’m facing a threat of miscarriage”, I say to my young husband, who’s a basketball player. “I need to see a doctor as soon as possible.”

He replies, “yes, we’ve already made an appointment. We will go tomorrow morning.”

We drive to the hotel from the airport. We still haven’t found a place to permanently live at, so we should take care of it later. We stay in the center of the town, at the Marriott. By the way, did you know that the founder of the Marriott network is a Mormon? Yes, that’s why there are so many Marriots in Utah. It is a good hotel, only there is no round-the-clock room service and alcohol — Mormons do not drink, but rather sleep at night. Therefore, it is better to wait for breakfast.

Early in the morning, I’m already at the doctor’s office. She examines   me, by merely looking straight at my eyes, writes down the symptoms, does not even touch my stomach and says: “Cancel all the Russian pills that you’ve been taking. Drink 4 liters of water a day. And leave the   urine test. See you in two months.” I leave the appointment in shock   and ask my husband to buy me 4 liters of water. Subsequently, I begin    to learn more about the matter. Uterine atony is a diagnosis that every second woman is diagnosed with in Russia, and it can’t be treated with medication. The uterus is a muscle that can stretch and contract, and   like any other muscle it needs water. Only water has an ability to relieve the spasm of any muscle. It’s that simple. Thus, I start drinking 4 liters of water a day, and all my symptoms suddenly disappear. Nothing hurts or feels tight anymore. What a strange situation for a Russian person, isn’t it? However, it is logical. It also might seem unusual for a Russian   person, when a doctor recommends drinking tap water. Indeed, fluoridated water flows from the tap in America. It is not only drinkable but healthy. It strengthens the teeth and makes them white —  something that is also difficult for a Russian person to get used to. We all assume that Americans have veneers. Nevertheless, that’s not true. They just have a rich country that can afford to take care of the health of the nation, starting from the basics — from water.

Furthermore, it is also surprising, yet true — Americans only drink cold water, with ice. From birth. Milk is not heated for children either. There is a theory behind this — this is how tempering occurs. This is why Americans don’t get sick from eating cold ice cream or from air conditioners blowing in their faces all night. This also applies to babies. It is just as strange that no one in the house wears slippers. There is a completely idiotic habit of not taking your shoes off in the house.

However, in some miraculous way, America is still clean. Even Minnesota, where there is as much snow as in Novosibirsk.

Oddly enough, the average thermostat temperature in American homes is 69 degrees Fahrenheit, which is 20.5 degrees Celsius. In States, there are no batteries, and heating is carried out with the help of a “stove” or a large “burner”, that is, burning gas. Russian people are not used to living in a house under such chilly conditions. Our temperature should be at least 23-24 degrees. ALL OF THE ABOVE BEATS HARD ON MY RUSSIAN PREGNANT CONSCIOUSNESS. Yet, I tend to adapt quickly. With the second child on the way, I’ve been brutally gnawing ice the entire pregnancy. And not because I want to be American, but simply because I want ice.