My Fair Nanny

Throughout my life, people have asked me endless questions regarding
the nanny. Where to find one, how to find one, how to define if she’s
the right one? And when you do find the nanny, then why don’t you like
her, and what should be done in order for her to be useful for your
child?

Let’s start from all the problems associated with the selection of
nannies, which is based on the ideas how to properly raise a Russian
child. You can deny the science of psychology, but you must admit that
the “love triangle” of a mother-child-nanny is a very complex
psychological model. It’s like a dark forest for the Russian people.
Moreover, assistance and service for a Russian person is a relatively new
genre. Yes, there were no nannies in Russia until a certain time period.
As you might recall, the children were raised by their grandmothers and
a kindergarten. Therefore, a demanding approach to this issue is not
necessary.

I have an acquaintance, a wife of an oligarch, who gave me away her
nanny 10 years ago, claiming: “Do you want the nanny to love your child,
or do you want her to stay indifferent?” It was a rhetorical question.
When hiring a nanny, we tend to forget about the main thing: the
nanny is a living person who has feelings. But more on that later. You
see, the Russian person who hires a nanny is not up to such thoughts.
We just need to find a “good nanny”. So, before looking, mom and dad
must agree with each other from the very beginning what does a
“good nanny” mean to them. And when they come to a clear
understanding of this issue, it is much easier to start the search.
A nanny is a person who provides professional assistance. The word
“professional” is key here. Professional indicates what a person receives
money for, and, unfortunately, commodity-money relations underlie the
“nanny-family” interactions. Therefore, when selling her services, a
nanny must also understand that she must have qualifications. A
professional nanny may have feelings, but not at work!

To love kids “professionally” is a whole science! Unfortunately though, it
is not taught anywhere. Thus, the training process is usually carried out
“on cats”, from which both nannies and families might suffer.
I once faced a similar situation. The nanny wanted to work a lot, so she
could earn a lot. Less weekends, more work days. A month later, she
howled, literally. She cried constantly. When I asked her what was the
matter, she said that she felt like a “hostage”, as if she had been
kidnapped and never released. Needless to say, I fired her right away… I
respect the science of psychology, but, unfortunately, I am not ready to
work as a personal therapist for a nanny.

As with any job, a nanny should be given a clear list of responsibilities,
as well as a list of prohibitions. It is important. At the very least, this
would protect you from negative emotions, when suddenly your
surveillance camera reveals that she’s been lying on the couch or
talking on the phone for hours. If your nanny works 24/7, then you
would have to accept the fact that she would lie down on the sofa at
some point and call relatives. If you don’t like it, hire a nanny for a
specific working day with tasks to be completed based on a specific
schedule.

In my life, I encountered different nannies. In fact, there were a lot of
them: foreign women, Russians, Ukrainian women, young, elderly,
beautiful and not so much. And together we’ve been through a lot…
There was even one crazy lady, who, according to the eyewitnesses later
(although they were silent during the time), held my son by one leg
upside down when he misbehaved. She was an unhappy woman, who
dreamed of running away from her own home from a legless father, a
poor existence, and a husband who would beat her. WHO COULD BE
SUCH A WOMAN??? Could she be a good nanny??? Of course not.

Unfortunately, people with great living don’t go looking for a nanny
job!!! Sometimes, these women flee from their lives in the hope of
finding a new one. Someone, when becoming a nanny, trivially solves
their housing issue, freeing up their living space for their own children,
or putting their place up for rent. Others start to play tricks with the
“owner of the family”,and for others this is simply the only way to make
money, since they cannot do anything else.

Many are wondering whether to install surveillance cameras for a nanny
and a child. This is a delicate question. If you are ready to see what you
may not like, then it’s worth it. I personally did not put any cameras,
because I’m used to trusting people. Even the one that held my son’s
leg. She was just lucky. If there were cameras, I could commit a crime.
Yet, I’m not a very good example. Surely, for someone it would be more
peaceful when everything is in full view.

You know, in 16 years, not a single Russian nanny of mine had an idea to
bring my child to a bookstore. Do you want these people to educate
your children??? I don’t want to upset you, but parents should educate
children. I agree to entrust the change of diapers, feeding, and walking
to a professional person, however, education is exclusively a parent’s
task. Laziness? I understand. Yet, as they say, as much as you put in, as
much you would take out! Actually, there was one foreigner who used
to take my son to the reading room every day. Apparently, that’s why
my eldest child loves literature. Although, to be honest, I myself spent
all my childhood in libraries.

What could you expect from a nanny, who has not seen a white light
her whole life, while raising her own kids, working two jobs, and
tolerating her careless man all at the same time? Nothing good could
come from this. There is only hope.

By the way, when hiring someone for a job, I always prepared a list of
questions that helped me understand if a particular person would be
suitable for it. It is necessary to determine as much as possible the
moral stability of the nanny. Furthermore, the age criterion is crucial. In
my opinion, it is better to avoid nannies entering menopause. Nanny’s
mood swings would definitely not have a beneficial effect on your
family’s health. This is not sexism that speaks in me now, but common
sense. Unfortunately, physiology is not going anywhere, and in this
difficult time for every female, a woman must work alone with herself.
“Why do you want to work as a nanny?” would be my first question. If
they would say something like, “because I love children,” for some
reason I would not believe it. Maybe this is wrong, but I used to choose
the one who told me something about herself. The essence of the
question is not an answer; I needed to understand what motivates a
person when choosing one of the hardest jobs on earth.

After, my questions would always be more specific. “What would you do
if a child is being hysterical, how would you stop it?” This question is
already applied and can determine the qualification and skills of the
nanny. “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” — another question
that can “shed a light”. I understand that you do not see yourself
anywhere in 10 years, however, there should be such a question in the
arsenal. It would also help you learn more about the person. If you feel
that you yourself do not understand anything when it comes to hiring a
nanny, come to an interview with a psychologist, it would be beneficial.
So, back to the question, should a nanny love your child? In my opinion,
this is not necessary. First of all, it is not easy to make a stranger fall in
love with someone else’s child, and again — it is not necessary!!!
Feelings, real deep feelings, would hurt everyone! The nanny, the child,
and the mother. Perhaps, the nanny should treat your child with
respect. When applying for a job, I would ask a potential nanny a
question on this topic. I would like to understand if she would be
capable of expressing such feelings. Respect when working with a child
is quite enough. It would allow the nanny not to raise her voice, and the
child would understand that it would not be possible to “twist the
ropes” with the nanny.

Yet, if you start digging deeper into this topic, nanny’s love is a terrible
thing. I witnessed situations when emotionally miserable women would
rediscover themselves after expressing love for MY children. MY is the
key word here, because first of all she must love herself, and then the
child, for this is the only way to adequately relate to everything that
happens. But this would be merely a perfect dream.

Author: Masha Lopatova