Man, Woman, and Children

The relationship between mother and father is the foundation of parenthood. Undoubtedly, the stronger the parents’ relationship is, the more safety it provides for their children. Psychological safety. The love of father for his daughter is crucial for her future relationships with men, and the love of mother for her son is crucial for his future relationships with women. Metaphorically speaking, parents are the roots of the tree, while children are the leaves. If there is a problem with roots, then there won’t be a good trunk and branches. That is why, before having kids, I would thoroughly analyze the quality of a couple’s relationship.

I am certain that there can be lots of questions regarding the families without one of the parents. Sometimes a woman chooses to have children by herself to avoid living in solitude, and believes that a child would make her happy. But what’s going to happen with this child? At first, a woman needs to contemplate how she would explain her selfishness having a child, who would not have a chance to grow in a full family. Unfortunately, in the future a child would have issues with choosing a partner. That’s why, for many women, I recommend getting a therapist in order to not make big mistakes. I always wonder why in school we are taught how to write without grammatical errors, but no one teaches us on how to prevent life-changing mistakes.

Let me say something unpleasant from a psychological point of view: many women subconsciously choose to stay alone and develop a certain pattern which leads them to unfortunate relationships with men. In the majority of cases, this is triggered by a woman’s relationship with her father, if she had one. For instance, her father physically abused her mother and was rude on a regular basis. Her mother could not leave him because she was financially dependent. As a result, when the daughter grows up, she doesn’t know how to trust a man and thus cannot establish a close relationship with him. To become happy, a lonely woman needs to organize her life in an utterly different manner. It is no wonder that such women focus their attention on obtaining a successful career.

Men and women meet and get into relationships primarily for their partners to satisfy their needs. Essentially, the need to feel loved. This is one of the basic needs, but unfortunately, not every person can make it happen. Falling in love first and foremost activates one fascinating aspect – it wakes up a child in a person. This is the reason why we sometimes tend to say that we are losing our heads or behaving recklessly. We just feel like kids! Therefore, in our partner, we unconsciously see our mother. Furthermore, we are looking for that initial feeling of protection and comfort that, as a rule, a mother gives to every child. Thus, this is the first stage of love — falling in love. Later, the relationship is supposed to transform into a partnership which contains a completely different level of intimacy. During that moment, it is important to identify the reasoning behind the relationship. Certainly, a relationship for each person is some kind of platform for an opportunity to receive something that you need, and vice versa, provide something that your partner needs. The volume of these needs is precisely what determines the depth and duration of your relationship. Or rather, their short-term nature. Therefore, I always urge young couples to try to be as mindful as possible about their relationships and especially about their willingness to have children. The decision to have children is perhaps the most paramount decision a couple can make. Indeed, a family without children is like a tree without leaves. Children at the same time become a serious responsibility that strengthens the relationship.

It is always best to define why the relationship is needed. If you are feeling lonely or empty on the inside, unfortunately, the appearance of another person in your life won’t solve the problem. Moreover, it will only make it worse. In this case, you need to brainstorm where this feeling of solitude and emptiness comes from. The emergence of children is a serious phase in a relationship between two people, and occasionally a couple unintentionally makes a major mistake – they switch all their attention to the child and remove it from each other. This can be detrimental to both the couple’s relationship and the child’s perception of the world. My advice —no matter how much you want to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the child, think first about the relationship with your partner, otherwise the beginning of an end may occur.

The presence of children should strengthen the family. The more children there are, the stronger the relationship in the family becomes. As you strengthen your union, you prepare your children for adulthood.

© Masha Lopatova