How I Stayed in America (Part 4)

My boyfriend ended the season with CSKA. After that, he was ready to embark on a trip to the Utah summer camp. The contract had not been signed yet, despite the fact that he had already been drafted by this team. Andrei was preparing to leave, however, he was still playing out for CSKA. And he still managed to play amazing. Andrei was constantly on the move — one day he’s in Siberia, another in Siena, and another somewhere else…

The two bars continued to spark on every test I took. Russian, foreign… any. There was no egg in the cavity. HCG grew, but weakly. I went to the planning center to Kurtser. I was guided by Elena Gennadievna Lebedeva. She knew my story and was absolutely sure about the ectopic. We collected the last tests before the operation. My boyfriend called me from Novosibirsk. I did not inform anyone about my condition — my parents remained on vacation at Cote d’Azur, and my beloved calmly played in Novosibirsk. After the game, he called and excitedly told me that he was recognized as the Best Player in Europe 2001. I was happy. However, I never told him about the pregnancy, or that I was currently in the hospital.

On June 22, 2001, early in the morning, I underwent surgery. I woke up after anesthesia, because the TV was working in the ward. There was a

black and white chronicle of the Second World War, German bombers were dropping bombs. It resembled exactly how I felt — deadly. I felt awful physically, but even worse mentally. “Why is this happening to me?” — I would ask myself this question very often throughout my life.  It is important to note that I have always found the answer to this question. The ability to find an answer to any question has become the meaning of my life. Frankly speaking, all the obstacles brought up more strength in me. Strength of spirit, mind, thoughts, desires. It’s hard to break me now, almost impossible. Feels awesome. My life is a wonderful attraction.

As I was watching the military chronicle, I kept thinking that I really wanted to smoke. I got up and went to the window. I took out my cigarettes.

Warm Moscow evening. Beautiful sunset. Suddenly, I see HIM. Favorite walk of a beloved man. I love the way he walks. There is so much  strength in his gait. Andrei is huge, but simultaneously so graceful. He’s talking to someone at the checkpoint. It’s late and the guards won’t let anyone into the hospital. He somehow convinces them to let him in and ends up in my ward. Andrei chatters incessantly, sharing all his news   with me, about the game, about how much he scored, intercepted, passed on… I look at him in complete prostration and understand “that this is all about him”. I understand that if I decide to be with him, for many years it would be all about him. It’s not that nobody cares about me, it’s just that he is more important. His career, his business, his persona. He bewitches, he enchants, with him the whole world exists on a completely different plane. It’s astonishing that he doesn’t even fully realize why I’m in the hospital. He asks something, I answer something, but he seems to be dismissive of what I say. Maybe he just doesn’t want to think. We laugh, and he wonders when I will be discharged. He wants me to be with him sooner. By that time, we rented an apartment on Berezhkovskaya. He is waiting for me there. I say that, most likely, they will let me go in two days.

Early in the morning, Elena Gennadievna comes to check up on me. They are running some tests.

She says, “Masha, hCG is growing”…

I don’t really even know what that means.