How I Stayed in America (Part 18)

Our first season in Utah ended quickly enough. It was 2001-2002. Season is a strange word, yet very comprehensible for professional athletes. Their life is divided into season and non-season. So, ours ended at the end of April, and we began packing for Moscow. We were in a hurry because we hadn’t been there for the whole season (well, nine months including the preseason)! Andrei was super excited to go to Moscow! He was bored. I missed Russia too and rushed to see my friends. As soon as we landed, Andrei hurried to the subway station. He said: “I need to smell the Moscow metro!”

Andrey truly missed Russia. He did not understand America quite clearly yet. I think that, deep down, he has a consumerist attitude towards America. He knew that for the best development of his career, he simply needed to stay there. However, America is not stupid either. This country is familiar with such clever people and therefore allows itself to be used by them, in return squeezing out all the juices out of these people. So, Andrei decided to flee from there, at least for a while, at least for a few months.

We brought a three-month-old Fedor with us and settled outside the city, in the suburbs. It’s a shame to admit, but we haven’t seen our child for most of the summer. To celebrate, we hired two nannies, and our parents also lived with us. Andrei and I were constantly in Moscow and endlessly sat in some cafes and restaurants as well as attended social events. Apparently, we missed all this in Utah. We craved communication.

This summer was special for me. I decided to shoot a video for the song “Sugary”. My album was recorded before leaving to America and was waiting for its time to shine. So, we decided to quickly make a clip. Let me now go back to the history and recording of this musical material. I remember that somehow I was flying from Zemfira’s concert (I adore her) back in 2000, feeling inspired, and I thought, shouldn’t I sing too?

Of course, I understood that I was not a musician, nor a poet, not even an artist, and obviously, I was not Zemfira at all. Nonetheless, who can forbid me to sing? Especially if the soul is singing.

I flew to Moscow, called my friend Igor Matvienko and just said: “I want to sing,” and he replied: “Ugh, not you too…” He put me in touch with Andrei Zuev, who wrote “Airplane” for Valeria and “Look in the Eyes” for Vetlitskaya. And we got to work. “Sugary” was already prepared for sale by Zuev, thus he offered it to me. So, we contacted Grigoriev-Appolonov (back then we were still a couple) to sing the male part, and you would be surprised, but Irochka Dubtsova recorded all the back vocals for me. At that time, she was not a star of a huge scale yet, so she happily  agreed to help me. It is noteworthy that out of our trio, I was the weakest link. However, it didn’t bother me. I honestly didn’t even think about what I was going to  do with this album. I had a compelling    period of my life at that moment — my soul sang. It sang because I  made a decision for myself that I would no longer live with Appolonov, and set off on a free voyage. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Appolonov  very much. I still remember my thoughts at night, when I slept next to him and touched his body with my hand. It seemed to me that if this    did not happen, I would simply die. Apparently at that moment, I

realized that I did not live in love at all, but rather in a terrible dependence on him. I was also depressed. That winter, I lost my long-awaited pregnancy. And not just lost, but I barely survived. One pipe burst in me. We both faced this tragic event. Both of us were afraid that we would no longer have children. What actually happened — we ended up not having children together. For some reason, this terrible story alienated us from each other. We  thought that together we “failed”. Nowadays, as an adult with a great passion for psychology, I can explain and analyze a lot. Back then, we simply chose to part and go our own ways.

When I was recording the album, and Appolonov helped me to do so, we were almost never together. We still lived in the same apartment, but we were already “free to sail”. Our album has become a swan song, both literally and figuratively. When there was a rumor that Appolonov and I were no longer together, I experienced an astonishing feeling. It turned out that I had a huge number of fans. My phone was blasting with calls, many men were interested in me. By the way, you definitely would be able to recognize all these men…