Emigrant Notes

In principle, I’m obviously an emigrant.

This was my conscious decision many years ago. I was 19 years old. I left by myself. Without moms, dads, or anyone else.

For me, emigration is not a betrayal.

For me, emigration is honesty. Keep in mind that key wording here is
“for me”, because many of you might angrily sigh after reading the above statements.

At some moment, I realized one dreadful thing — I love my country, but it does not love me. It’s like a relationship with a man. In order to not lose myself, I decided to leave. Yes, I loved, yet I wasn’t loved in return. Furthermore, I felt that I would never be loved again. I knew that my life, like millions of other lives, did not present any value. I saw how there was no appreciation or validation towards the elderly, disabled individuals, or orphans. I knew that the police, the clinic in my district, would manipulate me whenever and however they wanted. I knew that I needed to know how to give bribes, which is only half the trouble. However, what would be even worse is that one day I’d have to learn how to accept such bribes myself, and it would be impossible for me to do so.

Indeed, many things in Russia make my eyes water, but I’m not one of those people, who constantly criticize their country, yet continue residing there. At some moment in my life, emigration became the only right solution for me. I wasn’t looking for a better life. I was looking for a humane life. In Russia, life seemed not that humane to me. I mean life there was not a bad one, yet precisely not humane. Thus, I chose to explore other territories.

Many would condemn me and state that I’m a betrayer. That my country raised me, and I, in return, “paid it” this way. Yes, I paid it without any hesitation, as soon as I could. As soon as I received foreign education, obtained job experience in the west, acquired various connections, and built my own family in the “foreign” territory. Back then, I could make a choice — to go back, whenever I can, share my experience and knowledge with Russian people, and work for the Russian audience. No reason to blame me for the American passport. I understand that for many people it might be unpleasant. However, during the globalization era, the presence of several passports is not proof of criminal activity but rather of political freedom.

Nowadays, I return to Russia merely for one reason — to work. It is enjoyable to share my power where it is truly needed. This is exactly how I “pay” Russia. I support the charity fund, “Kirilenko for the Kids”, and every year we aim to complete any sort of big project, such as renovating an orphanage, a new sports school, and so on. Apparently, it was not accidental that I adopted an infant from the baby house, and honestly, I am proud of it. Because the infant transformed into a wonderful 8-year-old girl. Yes, that’s exactly how I “pay” my country. After all, I write texts in Russian. In fact, I appeal to an audience, consisting of twenty thousand women. I am not Buzova with her million followers, but I know that I can help using my words, and sometimes words can be more than enough.

I’m not interested in vacationing in Russia. For me, an a la russe vacation feels too much of a burden. I’ve lost the habit of saying things like “if we party — then we PARTY, if we love — then we LOVE, if we shoot — then we SHOOT”. I don’t want to shoot, nor to love the Russian way. I want modesty, peace, and humility. To be frank, it is really hard for me to conform with Moscow socialites. Undoubtedly, I can, I just would not receive any pleasure from it.

Furthermore, I already stepped up on a path, where I feel good. It’s where I am now. I’m not scared of the wide spaces, parallels, or

meridians. Naturally, just like any other human, I can admire something more and something else. However, I like to try living in diverse places, because this gives me a chance to grow, in my opinion, the best and biggest chance to do so. Getting to know new cultures is not just an enormous pleasure, but also an opportunity to expand one’s consciousness. And here there is no limit.

My life turned out to be in such a way that I could make choices where I want to live, and once, I, for example, moved to Paris for a year. I sent my children to French school. When I rented an apartment there, and my girlfriends found out about it, they were shocked and said: “How are you going to live there? Isn’t it a terrible place?! It’s dirty and there is not enough greenery!” It sounded hilarious, but… In this phrase lies the whole essence of Moscow socialite society. For me, it is stagnant and burdened with conventions. Therefore, when I’m in Moscow, I spend most of my time at home and at sports events. Additionally, I prefer to hang out with my friends at one of our cribs, while playing poker, mafia, or charades.

© Masha Lopatova