Yesterday, there was a heated argument while I was hanging out with my three friends. In fact, the main subject of our discussion was friendship. We began to compare the \u201ctools\u201d of friendship in Russia and America. There is an opinion that people in Russia are \u201csoulful\u201d, however, foreigners aren\u2019t. Allegedly, friendship in America is far from soulful. Indeed, in my opinion, it is. Nevertheless, with a small remark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What is this \u201csoulfulness\u201d? Let’s try to \ufb01gure it out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I asked this question to my friends, there was a pause. Probably, prior we did not fully think about what it was, and therefore began to brainstorm about it together. Soulfulness, to me personally, is complicity. Sincere complicity in someone else’s life. This is the foundation, according to my rules. Moreover, according to Russian rules, this is primarily compassion. This is the main component of Russian soulfulness. If we are not compassionate, then we are not living. If we are not compassionate, then we are not soulful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Russian friendship hardly exists in joy, yet it de\ufb01nitely thrives in sorrow. It is not easy for a Russian individual to make friends with someone who is happy, has a prosperous admirable job, or lives in a close-knit family. I mean it\u2019s not impossible to be happy for someone else\u2019s happiness. It\u2019s just not completely clear how one can be useful, especially if everything is neither unstable nor shaky in this person\u2019s life. It becomes easier when friends are united by similar dif\ufb01culties: a violent husband-alcoholic, a domineering mother, lack of money, chronic lack of sleep, unsuccessful children, etc. When people face similar problems, it brings them together and they have something to talk about. More precisely, it is easier when everything is similar, because each person can relate to someone and thus validate themselves. Well, yeah, my hubby drinks, but hers drinks too. And if mine is drinking, but hers is not, then it is no longer clear what we can talk about. What problems does she have then, compared to mine?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then it all starts… You’re \ufb01ne, at least yours doesn’t drink (doesn’t get violent, doesn’t go out at night, etc), while mine didn’t even come home yesterday again. And then this needs to be immediately discussed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then one girlfriend listens to her other girlfriend, while she is complaining about being unhappy. And the one who listens is just one of those Russian \u201csoulful\u201d people who supports their friends with a ton of problems. Now, I have a question: on what basis does one person shift responsibility for their actions to another? Is this really a true friendship? In my opinion, this is simply one person using another. And such a relationship is sooner or later doomed to failure. Using other people’s ears to leak information is a favorite “tool” of friendship. Friends in Russia are more like free psychologists, only without education. But for me, this kind of friendship is unacceptable, and apparently that is why I have a small friend circle. Of course, a lot of this knowledge came with age, and before I had not dug so deeply, so \u201cI had to use my ears\u201d on a regular basis until I got bored. I no longer want to listen and con\ufb01rm that someone\u2019s husband is an asshole, I don\u2019t want to \u201cbabysit\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and \u201ctake care\u201d of someone\u2019s issues with which they have to deal on their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I often tend to say that friends are known in joy, not in sorrow. If something happens, we instinctively rush to help \u2014 this is a natural human reaction. And this should be a rare, speci\ufb01c case. Illness, death, divorce \u2014 strong emotional upheavals that are dif\ufb01cult to survive alone. Obviously, there should be friends nearby at such moments. In such situations, friends are obliged to listen endlessly, because they become a part of the \u201cexperiencing grief\u201d mode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back to friendship in America. Frankly speaking, the rhythm of an American’s life hardly makes it possible to make friends \u201csoulfully\u201d. Sitting down with a bottle in the kitchen is clearly not their method. Of course, this could happen sometimes, but this is rather an exception to the rule. Contrary to popular belief about heartlessness, the American society loves to come to the rescue. However, not soulfully, not with a sense of compassion, sighing and wailing, and certainly not over a bottle of wine. Americans help using words and actions. When utilizing words, they usually aim to speak with reason and common sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Moreover, the question \u201chow can I help you\u201d, unlike in Russia, is by no means rhetorical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wound up with children and swallowed with work? Let\u2019s take the children to my place for the night, while you rest and sleep. Do not have time to take your children to soccer practice? Let’s organize a carpool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did your husband start obsessively drinking again? Here is a phone number of a great rehab center. Americans are civilized friends. They tend to be subordinate and respectful of private space, so it may seem like the friendship is not intimate enough. Indeed, there is no sense of friendship in America. Passionate friendship, in my opinion, is a relic of the past, and nowadays there are less and less relationships as such. It is no wonder many claim nowadays, \u201cpeople used to be more sincere,\u201d \u2014 yes, they were!!! Before, there were no telephones in the apartments!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Furthermore, there was war, famine, repression… There were no<\/p>\n\n\n\n
separate apartments, everything was public. And people also had much more free time to make friends soulfully. Sitting in the kitchen, hanging out well past midnight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u00a9 Masha Lopatova<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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